So many of you sweet people have offered to help if we need anything during this time while the sting of losing our beloved Chester is so very raw and painful. That's such a hard question to answer in the moment though... It's tough to know how to articulate what your heart needs when you can barely put two sentences of thought together in your mind thanks to all the emotional trauma you're drowning in.
I remember feeling the same way when my grandmother passed away. People kindly offer, you really feel like you DO indeed need help, but you can't piece together an answer, and certainly don't want to be an imposition on anyone. Asking for/admitting that you desperately need the hand of human kindness extended to you is tough, even in the best of times. When you're in the midst of one of life's greatest challenges, it's nigh on impossible.
Last night as I lay awake at 4 in the morning wishing/praying/hoping to hear Chester's early morning "I'm awake and need to go to the bathroom" whimper and then couldn't go back to sleep, I really tried to give this some thought. I know how much I've wanted to be of help to those going through intense pain and loss over the years, but never really knew what to do, so I just offered the proverbial, "Please let me know if you need anything..." and never heard back from anybody, ever. - Now I know why. The very act of gathering ones thoughts, and reaching out for specific help is so insurmountably exhausting when your heart is sitting on the floor in a million pieces that it's just easier to remain in your grief and need, alone.
So, how can you help?
First, keep in mind that everyone grieves differently. These are just some ideas that I think might be universally welcomed; practical ministrations, fully initiated by those who love and desire to support the bereaved, without any decision making or reaching out required on the part of those who are painstakingly walking through the valley of the shadow.
+ Send Cards.
It is wonderful and comforting to hear everyone's immediate condolences when something bad happens, but the reality is, grief lasts a loooooong time. And starts to feel incredibly lonely after the first few days when everybody has forgotten about you and has gone back to their regularly scheduled programming. Sending cards helps those well-wishes, sympathies, and gentle thoughts extend a little further into the difficult journey those left behind must travel. And if you want to really bless somebody's socks off, set a reminder on your phone or calendar to send another card on the anniversary of the death the following year.
+ Send Food.
Especially for people who have special dietary needs like us (b/c they likely don't have a freezer full of frozen pizzas to live off of while they get their feet back underneath them), thinking about shopping for and preparing food seems impossible when it takes all the energy you can muster just to get yourself from the bed to the couch. For someone to bring over food, unbidden - even if it's just picked up from a local restaurant - is such a practical, life-giving, wonderful help. In the earliest days, those grieving may not really have any appetite at all. I know I couldn't eat a thing for 24 hours after my boy left this earth, and even today, I can only barely keep down light fare. So maybe dropping by some nutrient-rich smoothies, sippable soups, or the like would be best for those first agonizing days. If you plan to deliver your gift, text or e-mail ahead of drop off and ask if they would prefer for you to just leave it on their front stoop and run. Some people may truly be encouraged by a close friend or two stopping by for a cup of tea to condole (the extroverts, likely), and others would much rather be left to themselves (like us introverts). Certainly give them the option. Something that has caused me much anxiety is worrying that well-wishers might drop in unexpectedly. A surprise visitor in this instance, is nearly always unwelcome - often the bereaved aren't able to get out of their pajamas all day, their house might be a neglected wreck, and their eyes so puffy they can barely see...to muster up the energy to converse and paste a fake smile on, even for a minute, is truly asking too much of their weary soul. Side note: If you live out of town, you can still investigate local restaurants or food delivery services that can drop off some nourishment to your loved one's door. Food is always such a messenger of love and care.
+ Share Your Memories.
I'd never thought about this before, but something that has brought such a smile to our hearts has been hearing from people who have known and loved Chester right along with us through the years, and their taking the time to share fond memories they have of him. Whether it was how he always happily greeted my piano students by the door then settled down in his bed (and sometimes under the piano bench covering the pedals) to listen to their music, or comforted a sister when she was having a really rough day, how people enjoyed reading Chester's blog that he "wrote" for a time, how good he was for his groomer, how impressed his trainer was with the progress he made throughout his time in training school (even as an older dog), how his undeniable charm made a friend want to adopt her own little fuzzy lap dog, how encouraging his vet was of how long we advocated for him and loved him through his unbelievably difficult journey, how others saw the loyalty and attachment he felt toward us... all of those things have been a sweet balm to our hurting hearts. Especially since the last year or two have been such challenging ones and through that time his personality was altered so much by his illness, being able to remember what a special treasure of a pup he was for most of his life has been so healing.
+ Give Them Something To Look Forward To.
Life looks pretty bleak as you face the never-ending lists of firsts without your loved one - human or four-legged, you're reminded of them every time you turn around, and more than anything, just. want. them. back. Life without them all of a sudden turns everything a shade of black and gray and you wonder how you will ever laugh again. So why not give your grieving friend something to look forward to in the future? Maybe movie or concert tickets? Maybe a massage or manicure? Maybe a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant? They desperately need these things that bring them joy in their life, but chances are, they are hurting too much to actually pursue them on their own. So give them the extra push to start rediscovering joy, when they're ready.
+ Send Flowers.
The classic symbol of friendship and sympathy. And it is for a reason. Sending flowers that remind you of the deceased, or those that quietly speak love and comfort to those left behind are such a beautiful tribute. This isn't the time for loud and crazy "cheer up" bouquets. It is a time for sweet and simple peace. If you have the option to send plants that outlast cut flowers, your thoughtfulness will be doing it's work of comfort long into the grieving process, even more so if you elect to send a dried wreath or something similar that will last forever in memorium.
Whatever you decide to do to help comfort your grieving friend or family member, don't wait for them to ask. They really can't. But they will remember forever whatever way you chose to reach out to love them deeply in their time of need.
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